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My first birthday in 10 years without Colleen
June 2nd is my birthday. I will be 43. It is supposed to be a happy day. My birthday used to be my favorite holiday because it was a day that was all about me and I like days when you are allowed to be completely self centered. You see, I tend to struggle with that anyway so I like day when you are allowed to be the center of attention. But this year is different. This year, I feel like my birthday marks the beginning of a dark week. I remember back to last year at this time and it is when Colleen started having trouble breathing. It is when she was home, in hospice but her decline began and we knew our days were precious and few. I remember praying that she would not die on my birthday and thank heaven, she didn't. In retrospect, I was being self centered yet again as I did not want my birthday tainted with her death for the rest of my life. Little did I know that it would be anyway. Little did I know that nothing in our lives would ever be the same. Colleen gave me two things for my birthday. She gave me a beautiful necklace inscribed with "I love you Mommy on the back". I will wear that tomorrow. She also gave me a picture frame with a picture of her and I in it. When I push the button, she says "Happy Birthday Mommy, I love you". How previous that is to me. I get to hear her say those words whenever I want. I don't press it very often as it brings tears to my eyes everytime I press it. I was also terrified that I would press it so much that I would wear it out. When the documentary people were here in October, Casey was nice enough to convert it to an MP3 file for me. So now I have it without fear of losing it.
Many amazing things have happened on my journey to build Striving for More. My friend Alicia keeps harassing me. She says that I need to write the stories down. Stories of how God is working in my life. Working to make Striving for More a reality. Putting the right people in my path at the right time. It has been rather amazing and I don't want to take any of it for granted. I am in awe of everything that God has been doing for me. I am very appreciative. He has been working overtime helping me get this nonprofit up and running. It isn't that I don't appreciate it. It is just that there are some days. Days when I look around at other people kids hanging about the pool and it is strikingly obviously to me that Colleen is so clearly missing. There are days that I would much rather have Colleen here and not have God working so hard in my life. I would take a nice quiet relationship with God like most people have and have Colleen sitting with me right now. I miss her so much.
People frequently comment how they can't figure out how we manage after the loss of Colleen. We manage because we must. That doesn't make it easy. But bills have to get paid, Mackenna has to go to school, Vince has to go to work, and life has to go on. It would be easy to lay in bed all day and cry. Trust me, there are some days that I wish I could do that. But life continues on around you and life forgets what happened a year ago even when you don't.
June 3rd of last year is when a bunch of us turned our hair pink. Although I was originally thinking of doing this as a fund raiser and I don't think it will be an official fund raiser this year (because we are trying to structure our organization and take more time to establish fund raisers, etc.) I am considering going ahead and dying my hair pink this week anyway (in remembrance of Colleen. What the heck! My hair is still really short. I think I will go ahead and do it. It will give me yet another thing to talk to people about.
Who knew I was such a rebel at heart? I guess I always knew and I am excited that I finally have a reason to set my rebel free!
Have a good night.
Many amazing things have happened on my journey to build Striving for More. My friend Alicia keeps harassing me. She says that I need to write the stories down. Stories of how God is working in my life. Working to make Striving for More a reality. Putting the right people in my path at the right time. It has been rather amazing and I don't want to take any of it for granted. I am in awe of everything that God has been doing for me. I am very appreciative. He has been working overtime helping me get this nonprofit up and running. It isn't that I don't appreciate it. It is just that there are some days. Days when I look around at other people kids hanging about the pool and it is strikingly obviously to me that Colleen is so clearly missing. There are days that I would much rather have Colleen here and not have God working so hard in my life. I would take a nice quiet relationship with God like most people have and have Colleen sitting with me right now. I miss her so much.
People frequently comment how they can't figure out how we manage after the loss of Colleen. We manage because we must. That doesn't make it easy. But bills have to get paid, Mackenna has to go to school, Vince has to go to work, and life has to go on. It would be easy to lay in bed all day and cry. Trust me, there are some days that I wish I could do that. But life continues on around you and life forgets what happened a year ago even when you don't.
June 3rd of last year is when a bunch of us turned our hair pink. Although I was originally thinking of doing this as a fund raiser and I don't think it will be an official fund raiser this year (because we are trying to structure our organization and take more time to establish fund raisers, etc.) I am considering going ahead and dying my hair pink this week anyway (in remembrance of Colleen. What the heck! My hair is still really short. I think I will go ahead and do it. It will give me yet another thing to talk to people about.
Who knew I was such a rebel at heart? I guess I always knew and I am excited that I finally have a reason to set my rebel free!
Have a good night.
1 comments:
You are stunningly beautiful...inside and out.
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