More Awkward for Others

I frequently find myself in situations that are more awkward for other people than for me.

Like today for example. I am very involved in my community and except for last year when our life was turned upside down and backwards, I rarely miss an event and am usually helping in some way or another. Today was our annual Easter Egg Hunt. We have been in Hawthorne for more than 8 years now. In the beginning of the event, I went introducing myself to the neighbors that I did not know. This is who I have always been. I don't believe it will be something that will change about me, especially now that I have a non profit and networking is such an important part of my life.

I introduced myself to one woman that I did not recognize that had two small children. It turned out that she had lived in the neighborhood for quite some time. I am not sure why the question always catches me by surprise but it does. At least the first time it is asked at each event. "How many children do you have?" I hate answering this question.

Not because I don't know how to answer it it. "I have a 12 year old daughter, Mackenna and then I had a 9 year old daughter, Colleen who died of cancer in June."

Not because it makes me sad. Talking about Colleen doesn't make me sad. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I bring her up every chance I get.

I hate the question because it immediately makes the other person feel awkward. She told me how sorry she was and how she had no idea. She said that if it was her there was no way that she could be out at an Easter Egg hunt.

I tell my story a lot. I tell my story because it is an important story to be told. I tell my story because I want the problems that we experienced to be fixed. I tell my story because this is what God wants me to be doing and I am answering His call and trying the best I can to be obedient. So far, it is working out for me.

When you tell your story a lot, you learn to tell it without tears. Sometimes I think people think I am heartless because I can talk about it without turning into a puddle. God gives me the strength to get through each day, each story, each interaction. It is important.

Do I have my unhappy days? Yes. Do I have days where I sink so deep into a hole of despair that I feel like there is no climbing out? Yes. Are there days that I wish someone would tell me that I have 3 months to live and there is no cure so that I know I will see Colleen sooner rather than wait what seems like an eternity to be with her again? Yes.

However, there are also days that I feel happy. Like when Striving for More received its tax exempt status. There are days when I feel joy. Like today in church when Mackenna and I were singing and dancing and having a good time praising God. There are days when I feel proud. Like when Mackenna received all A's on her report card. There are days when I feel thankful that I have an amazing husband that takes such wonderful care of us and we have gotten through the worst of times and are still happily married.

Honestly, it sucks that Colleen died.

But this situation is going to be redeemed and our world is going to be better for it. I am going to help in my little ways with God pointing me in the right direction and putting the right people in my path. I just have to listen and stop worrying about what I don't know and trust that God will help me figure it out when I get to confusing intersections.

I appreciate everyone who continues to pray for me and my ventures into the unknown. I have been amazed at what God has been doing in my life.