I know I should be happier... But.

Things are moving along. Actually much faster than most of the people that are new to how I work expected them to go.

As most of you know, Striving for More, Inc was incorporated on 1/8/2009. I have been working with my attorney to review the By laws for the Board and the we are working on preparing the 1023 document which is this long form that you have to submit to the IRS to get your 501c3 (non profit tax exempt status). My attorney warned me that it could take up to 6 months from the time of submission to get the tax exempt status approved. However, he reiterated that, as long as it is approved, the tax exempt status will be retroactive so I can begin fund raising as long as I am clear regarding the status.

I have scheduled our first Board Meeting, I will be attending my first Duke class tomorrow. I spent several hours in the Non Profit Resource center at the library yesterday looking up seed grants for non profits and taking out books on fund raising and grant writing. I spend every free moment I have in the car listening to Craig's List Foundation Non Profit Boot Camp blogs. (they are awesome). I am learning so much and it is very interesting. I am actually retaining it. I have interesting things to say when in the company of others. That is nice for a change.

All of this should be good, right? So why am I so depressed?

I have spent a lot of time thinking and crying about Colleen in the last week. I miss her tremendously. The gaping whole seems so big right now for some reason. My memories are being triggered very easily. At first, I wasn't quite sure why. Then, last night, when I was crying on Vince's shoulder it occurred to me that perhaps it was because I started going to a new Grief Group last week. A pretty intense grief group, one that is provided free by the local hospice and it challenges you to explore your feelings. Perhaps I hadn't really gone through all of the steps, perhaps I hadn't really felt was I was supposed to feel. Perhaps I am not as ok as I thought I was.

Yesterday was my second week. Last week was primarily introductions. This week we were given Task 1 of 4. Task 1 - Accept the reality of the loss. The second bullet under this task plunged through my heart like a knife. It said "This task involves recognizing that the person is dead and will never return." Now of course I knew that but to read it and really begin to think about it and mentally process it is two different things. It is something that you have to experience to really understand.

On top of all this, Nortel announced that it filed Chapter 11. Vince has worked there for more than 11 years. What more are we going to have to go through?

We can use some prayers this week. Prayers for me to stay strong. Prayers of comfort for Vince and I. Prayers for us to remain steadfast and to remember that God will provide as we put each foot in front of the other.

I just really don't want to be broken down any further than we already are.

Just because it appears that I am doing well on the outside, doesn't mean that I am doing well. I loved something the therapist said yesterday at grief group. "it's just a little mascara... it isn't world peace!"