Closer and Closer to a Federal Non Profit...

I worked all afternoon today with my attorney on the IRS 1023 form. That is the form that you need to submit to the IRS in order to obtain your 501(c)3 status which means that you are an official non profit charitable organization in the eyes of the federal government. It is a brutal form and they review it very carefully. It is over 28 pages long and with the written attachments it ends up being more than 50 pages of submissions. I still have a bit of homework to do but we are closing in fast.

I received my Employee Identification Number from the IRS today. That is the number that is equivalent to a social security number for businesses so I can open a bank account and do a lot of the things that I have been waiting to do regarding the business so I am excited about that.

Next Wednesday, I have my first Board Meeting. I have to complete all of the outstanding work for the 1023 and have the bylaws signed by the board members on Wednesdays. Then I can have the attorney submit the 1023 on Thursday. It is an exciting milestone. However, then the wait will begin. And it could be a long wait. Some say 3 months, some say 6 months, some say as long as a year. Obviously, I pray that it is as quick as possible.

Colleen died 8 months ago today. It doesn't seem like it has been that long.

We took Mackenna to the first of an 8 week grief children's grief group hosted by Hospice of Wake County. They serve a light dinner and spend a half an hour with the parent and the children and then they split the kids and the parents into groups. There are three groups (teens, kids 6-12 and parents). It was a good mix. I was glad to hear that there was glad to hear that there were two other kids there that had lost siblings (I know glad sounds bad but I hope by now you all know what I mean). Mackenna did not feel like she needed to go but on the way home she said that she was glad she went. The session for adults was rough on Vince and I. It is hard to sit around and listen to the stories other people's loss which is what the nights of introduction are usually like. Mackenna realized tonight that Colleen died on her "half birthday". That was sort of a bummer of a reality for her. Since her birthday is around Christmas she always appreciated recognizing her "half birthday" even though we never actually celebrated it with anything.

Need to sign off, I have class at Duke all day tomorrow... "Board Management for Non Profits".

By the way, I have decided that I am going to dye/bleach my hair some crazy color to create a stir before the shave. So if you know of a stylist in the area that is willing to do this for me for free in the next week as a way of contributing to the cause, I would love a referral (I believe it will help me raise more money for St. Baldrick's and also allow me to talk more about Striving for More).

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I really miss Colleen this afternoon

Some times are worse than others. This afternoon is one of those times. I was out on Craigslist, trying to find Joomla web developers that I could ask to do pro bono work on the Striving For More website.

I found one who sounded really good. She even has pink hair. I thought I would tell her about Colleen and our cause and even about the day that we all dyed our hair pink. I thought the story would even be more moving if I added a picture to the email so I started going through my pictures when I found this one.

It is such a perfect picture taken only 8 days before she died. I have been staring at this picture and crying for at least 35 minutes. When I look at it, I feel connected to her. She seems to be looking at my soul and it is tearing my heart out.

According to the CDC, more than 2200 children die of cancer every year. This is so sad to me. I know it is scary to everyone who is a grandparent, parent, brother, sister, aunt or uncle. For anyone on this planet who has ever looked into the eye of a child.

I have heard of too many children having cancer that I know personally. It feels like the number is increasing. I did some research and the cancer incidence numbers are up but the mortality rate is down. The fact that they are making progress in the treatment is terrific and I pray that it continues. However, since the incident rate is up, it means that more children and their families will suffer through the emotional turmoil and pain of this horrible monster invading their lives.

This is what keeps me awake at night. This is what I have to figure out how to fix and it can't happen fast enough. Everyone keeps telling me that I am going "through the processes" to get the organization started faster than they expected but I feel like it is way too slow. All I can think is that with each passing day, another child lays in a bed somewhere thinking, questioning and wondering "why me?".

I need an army of volunteers and I need a key to Fort Knox. Anything less and we won't be able to move fast enough to help all of the children that will be seriously and irreversibly emotionally impacted by cancer. My logical self knows that this isn't a good way to look at this. So....

Today, I ask for prayers that the Lord give me contentment.
Contentment that I will see my beloved Colleen when He thinks the time is right.
Contentment that Striving for More grows at the speed that it is supposed to.
Contentment that other people are helping the suffering children and families while I am doing what He asks me to do each day.

However, what ever you do.... please do not ask the Lord to give me patience. (Sort of a general rule I have based on past experience.)

Just for the record, I stopped crying a long time ago. This blog is truly therapeutic and I appreciate everyone that allows me to share my life with them because it honestly helps me too.

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I know I should be happier... But.

Things are moving along. Actually much faster than most of the people that are new to how I work expected them to go.

As most of you know, Striving for More, Inc was incorporated on 1/8/2009. I have been working with my attorney to review the By laws for the Board and the we are working on preparing the 1023 document which is this long form that you have to submit to the IRS to get your 501c3 (non profit tax exempt status). My attorney warned me that it could take up to 6 months from the time of submission to get the tax exempt status approved. However, he reiterated that, as long as it is approved, the tax exempt status will be retroactive so I can begin fund raising as long as I am clear regarding the status.

I have scheduled our first Board Meeting, I will be attending my first Duke class tomorrow. I spent several hours in the Non Profit Resource center at the library yesterday looking up seed grants for non profits and taking out books on fund raising and grant writing. I spend every free moment I have in the car listening to Craig's List Foundation Non Profit Boot Camp blogs. (they are awesome). I am learning so much and it is very interesting. I am actually retaining it. I have interesting things to say when in the company of others. That is nice for a change.

All of this should be good, right? So why am I so depressed?

I have spent a lot of time thinking and crying about Colleen in the last week. I miss her tremendously. The gaping whole seems so big right now for some reason. My memories are being triggered very easily. At first, I wasn't quite sure why. Then, last night, when I was crying on Vince's shoulder it occurred to me that perhaps it was because I started going to a new Grief Group last week. A pretty intense grief group, one that is provided free by the local hospice and it challenges you to explore your feelings. Perhaps I hadn't really gone through all of the steps, perhaps I hadn't really felt was I was supposed to feel. Perhaps I am not as ok as I thought I was.

Yesterday was my second week. Last week was primarily introductions. This week we were given Task 1 of 4. Task 1 - Accept the reality of the loss. The second bullet under this task plunged through my heart like a knife. It said "This task involves recognizing that the person is dead and will never return." Now of course I knew that but to read it and really begin to think about it and mentally process it is two different things. It is something that you have to experience to really understand.

On top of all this, Nortel announced that it filed Chapter 11. Vince has worked there for more than 11 years. What more are we going to have to go through?

We can use some prayers this week. Prayers for me to stay strong. Prayers of comfort for Vince and I. Prayers for us to remain steadfast and to remember that God will provide as we put each foot in front of the other.

I just really don't want to be broken down any further than we already are.

Just because it appears that I am doing well on the outside, doesn't mean that I am doing well. I loved something the therapist said yesterday at grief group. "it's just a little mascara... it isn't world peace!"

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