Docked with Time for Reflection

Today we are docked in Port Canaveral and I have a strong enough cell signal that I am able to use my cell phone and as a modem to write this blog.

You may wonder why I am on the ship writing this when I could be out enjoying the Florida weather. We did take a 3 hour "Wilderness Excursion" earlier but we did not have enough clothes to keep us warm enough and decided to return to the warmth of the ship as it is only 43 degrees here today (and that does not count the wind chill coming off the water). We did get to see lots of birds on our pontoon cruise and the people were nice but we were all a bit disappointed that the dolphins and the manatees didn't make an appearance.

I have cruised many times in my life. In fact, when I was about 19 or 20 I took a cruise to Bermuda alone (through a travel agent that booked me with about 24 other singles) and it was one of the best vacations that I have ever had. However, Vince and Mackenna had never been on a cruise before this one. We have collectively decided that this will be our last. This is just not the environment for us not to mention that the weather has been unusually cold the entire time.

The good news is that we did get one sunny day in Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas (the cruise line's own island) where Mackenna had her first snorkeling experience in crystal blue water and she loved it. She and her Dad enjoyed the time together even though the water was very cold. I, on the other hand, sat on the beach and finally finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. I cried hysterically but it was probably because it hit very close to home for me. It definitely was an important book in my Christian journey and I have heard other people say that it has changed their lives so I recommend it if you have not read it. I have to be honest, it was a hard read for me at first (seemed a bit hokey) but I liked the message it had to send.

If you have never done it before, I also highly recommend taking a trip completely alone. In fact, I am considering doing it again this yearr. My church is encouraging everyone in the church to take a pilgrimage this year and helping to arrange trips. I am considering going on a trip to a Salt Lake City Emergent Community. I want to be within a community where there are not as many Christians. I want to talk less and listen more. Listen to God and to others and to learn from it.

Not sure why I am talking about taking this trip when we are not even home yet. Vince is antsy to get home. So am I. This trip was good. This is the first day since we left that I have had a laptop on my lap and it is usually a fixture that is permanently affixed to my body so it has been a needed break. We have spent a lot of time with Mackenna and she has said that she has enjoyed it although she states she would rather just fly to "one of these places next time and stay in a hotel" and we all agreed.

It never ceases to amaze me how God puts people in your path. The one event that I decided to do on this ship alone was the "Martini Tasting". I sat next to this couple and started chatting and eventually got around to what I do for a living and how I got to this point in my life. You should know that about 80% of the people on this ship seem to be over the age of 60 and seem to keep to themselves. So at this point, I had not chatted with anyone. Anyway, they tell me that they are both nurses and that she is an oncology nurse. We spoke for a while longer and they really encouraged me and what I am doing for the kids. I am thankful that God had these two people sitting next to me. Yes... even at a martini tasting.

That's all for now. There is a trivia challenge at 8pm that sounds like it might be fun and we haven't had dinner yet. We leave port at 9:30 so I will most likely be incommunicado until we return on Saturday so I hope every has a good Friday.

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Losing My Mind

Today was not a good day. I had an appointment with my attorney and discovered that we were not as far along as I thought we were in the 501c3 process. It was a real disappointment to discover. The worst thing about the appointment was that after I left, I realized how much I have changed.

This was a business appointment. The old "business Diane" was a tough cookie. I handled it well and I was clear with communicating my disappointment in a professional way. However, I needed to get out of the office fast because I was going to cry.

The old Diane would not have been close to crying over something like that. The old Diane learned to keep a stiff upper lip during business interactions at all times. I got out to the car and completely lost it.

Vince helped me realize that I did not care about cell phone development quite as much as I care about Striving for More and perhaps that is why it is so much harder to stay calm in this new business. But I would really like to get better at this. It is important to me that I can be a professional because this is a business too. The attorney called me this afternoon and handled the situation very well. I am content with the way the situation is moving forward for now.

Now, onto another subject. We are leaving for vacation in the morning. As you know from a previous blog, I was struggling with going on the cruise. Since that blog, I had decided to take a less expensive road trip to Florida instead. I was able to find a loop hole that would let me use the insurance and cancel the cruise with the trip cancellation policy.

I felt pretty good about the decision until about 6pm tonight when I felt like I started losing my mind. In retrospect, I think that what I was going to do with the cruise was not the most honest thing and I was feeling guilty and confused. So, I decided to change my mind again and do the right thing and not cancel the cruise but go on it. I realized that Vince really must love me a lot because when I dumped it on Vince out of the blue, he wasn't the least bit upset with me.

So, we have been crazy packing differently all evening getting ready for the cruise and we will leave in the morning. Thankfully, I am feeling content again. The pieces of my mind are starting to settle back down into their appropriate positions.

Please pray for us as we spend a week together on the Norwegian Majesty cruising to Florida and the Bahamas. Please pray that we don't have too much anxiety over how much all of the extras cost and the fact that Vince's job is still... well, still Nortel. And if I could ask that you pray that we get some extra sun and warmth, I would love that!

Tonight, I am especially thankful that I have a friend that I can call when I am hysterical, tell her that I am losing my mind and she makes me realize that maybe I'm not.

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Unemployment, Vacations and Cucumbers

I filed for unemployment today. The last time I did that was when I was pregnant with Mackenna (more than 12 years ago). It has been so long that the Employment Security Commission is now completely computerized. I did not even have to leave the comfort of my own home, let alone stand in any lines. I love modern technology.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I guess there are contributing factors. Nortel filing for chapter 11 and Vince and I sitting on the edge of our seats about his job could be a big one. The fact that we are keeping this news from Mackenna could be another one (she doesn't need any additional stress in her life right now).

We had promised Mackenna that we would take her snorkeling during her February track out. Then I got laid off but we did not want to disappoint her so I found this amazing deal and went for it. A 7 day cruise from Charleston to the Bahamas for $359 or something (and Mackenna is 1/2 price since she is the 3rd in our cabin).

However, now, I am second guessing myself, especially since the whole Nortel fiasco began. Of course I paid for the trip cancellation insurance because we have a crazy unpredictable life but after scouring the policy tonight I don't think we can get out of it. So now I am anxious about going away too. I am worried about it being too cold to even snorkel in the Bahamas, I am worried about all sorts of things. The list is long. I know it is dumb because they are things that I thought about and rationalized before I spent the money but now that the trip is around the corner and there will be additional expenses (like beverages... even soft drinks and the actual cost of snorkeling), I am feeling guilty and anxious.

I used to be such a calm person. I used to be cool as a cucumber. I love cucumbers.

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