Losing My Mind

Today was not a good day. I had an appointment with my attorney and discovered that we were not as far along as I thought we were in the 501c3 process. It was a real disappointment to discover. The worst thing about the appointment was that after I left, I realized how much I have changed.

This was a business appointment. The old "business Diane" was a tough cookie. I handled it well and I was clear with communicating my disappointment in a professional way. However, I needed to get out of the office fast because I was going to cry.

The old Diane would not have been close to crying over something like that. The old Diane learned to keep a stiff upper lip during business interactions at all times. I got out to the car and completely lost it.

Vince helped me realize that I did not care about cell phone development quite as much as I care about Striving for More and perhaps that is why it is so much harder to stay calm in this new business. But I would really like to get better at this. It is important to me that I can be a professional because this is a business too. The attorney called me this afternoon and handled the situation very well. I am content with the way the situation is moving forward for now.

Now, onto another subject. We are leaving for vacation in the morning. As you know from a previous blog, I was struggling with going on the cruise. Since that blog, I had decided to take a less expensive road trip to Florida instead. I was able to find a loop hole that would let me use the insurance and cancel the cruise with the trip cancellation policy.

I felt pretty good about the decision until about 6pm tonight when I felt like I started losing my mind. In retrospect, I think that what I was going to do with the cruise was not the most honest thing and I was feeling guilty and confused. So, I decided to change my mind again and do the right thing and not cancel the cruise but go on it. I realized that Vince really must love me a lot because when I dumped it on Vince out of the blue, he wasn't the least bit upset with me.

So, we have been crazy packing differently all evening getting ready for the cruise and we will leave in the morning. Thankfully, I am feeling content again. The pieces of my mind are starting to settle back down into their appropriate positions.

Please pray for us as we spend a week together on the Norwegian Majesty cruising to Florida and the Bahamas. Please pray that we don't have too much anxiety over how much all of the extras cost and the fact that Vince's job is still... well, still Nortel. And if I could ask that you pray that we get some extra sun and warmth, I would love that!

Tonight, I am especially thankful that I have a friend that I can call when I am hysterical, tell her that I am losing my mind and she makes me realize that maybe I'm not.

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I really miss Colleen this afternoon

Some times are worse than others. This afternoon is one of those times. I was out on Craigslist, trying to find Joomla web developers that I could ask to do pro bono work on the Striving For More website.

I found one who sounded really good. She even has pink hair. I thought I would tell her about Colleen and our cause and even about the day that we all dyed our hair pink. I thought the story would even be more moving if I added a picture to the email so I started going through my pictures when I found this one.

It is such a perfect picture taken only 8 days before she died. I have been staring at this picture and crying for at least 35 minutes. When I look at it, I feel connected to her. She seems to be looking at my soul and it is tearing my heart out.

According to the CDC, more than 2200 children die of cancer every year. This is so sad to me. I know it is scary to everyone who is a grandparent, parent, brother, sister, aunt or uncle. For anyone on this planet who has ever looked into the eye of a child.

I have heard of too many children having cancer that I know personally. It feels like the number is increasing. I did some research and the cancer incidence numbers are up but the mortality rate is down. The fact that they are making progress in the treatment is terrific and I pray that it continues. However, since the incident rate is up, it means that more children and their families will suffer through the emotional turmoil and pain of this horrible monster invading their lives.

This is what keeps me awake at night. This is what I have to figure out how to fix and it can't happen fast enough. Everyone keeps telling me that I am going "through the processes" to get the organization started faster than they expected but I feel like it is way too slow. All I can think is that with each passing day, another child lays in a bed somewhere thinking, questioning and wondering "why me?".

I need an army of volunteers and I need a key to Fort Knox. Anything less and we won't be able to move fast enough to help all of the children that will be seriously and irreversibly emotionally impacted by cancer. My logical self knows that this isn't a good way to look at this. So....

Today, I ask for prayers that the Lord give me contentment.
Contentment that I will see my beloved Colleen when He thinks the time is right.
Contentment that Striving for More grows at the speed that it is supposed to.
Contentment that other people are helping the suffering children and families while I am doing what He asks me to do each day.

However, what ever you do.... please do not ask the Lord to give me patience. (Sort of a general rule I have based on past experience.)

Just for the record, I stopped crying a long time ago. This blog is truly therapeutic and I appreciate everyone that allows me to share my life with them because it honestly helps me too.

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I was Interviewed Today by the News and Observer

First and foremost, thank you to everyone who generously donated to St. Baldrick's, I am at 72% of my goal which is terrific. I have more to go to get to my goal and so I appreciate any one else who is still planning to donate to help me get to my goal to shave my head on 3/7.

I was interviewed today by Sue Stock. Sue is the Retail Reporter for the Raleigh News and Observer newspaper. I am a big fan of Sue's daily blog called Taking Stock. It is a blog about saving money while shopping. A few weeks ago, she asked people to write to her if they have started using coupons as a result of the economic downturn. I wrote her an email and told her our story. Everything from losing Colleen to losing my job. I told her that we recently started actively using coupons to save money. Hey, it was the truth and I figured any sort of press, is an opportunity for me to plug Striving For More, right?

Sue called me last week and she came to the house today and interviewed me. She will return in two weeks with a photographer. She is planning a 3 part article featuring three families who have been impacted by the economy (It feels like we all have, huh?).

Her article will report on ways that the three families are saving money. When we spoke this weekend, Sue asked me if I was willing to share my story with the world. I said, "Sure, that is what I do". I also said, my intentions are not all selfless, I am looking for free PR for my nonprofit organization. She said, "I understand."

I was the first person to be interviewed today so she said she has "some work to do". Her articles run on Fridays in the paper and she plans to have one run soon, then part two run in the summer and the last part run in the fall.

It should be interesting. Vince isn't too crazy about his picture being in the paper. I told him that he has "to take one for the team". I told him that this really doesn't have anything to do with coupons it is all about Striving for More and advancing our cause.

It would be fantastic if a few new people find out about what we are doing because of this article, wouldn't it? I guess hoping that a wealthy philanthropist would be reading the column is pushing it.

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Only 40 Days Until the Shave!

I realized this morning as I was looking at the huge mop of wavy hair sitting on top of my head that there are only 40 days left before it all gets shaved off.

Thanks so much to the people who have donated toward St. Baldrick's (for my head or for the Striving4More team)!

Also, thanks to Dave Hughens who joined the Striving4More Shave team! If anyone else out there would like to join our team, please let me know. We would love to have you.

I have a goal to raise $2000 for my head and I am currently at just over 25% of goal. As my daughter, Mackenna would put it... "Come on peoples", I am a woman and I am shaving my head bald! There are VERY few women that would do this. I don't want to have to do the walk of shame onto the stage on March 7th and announce that I was not able to collect what I had pledged.

If every single person reading this blog donated just $5, I am sure I would make my goal. Nobody but you will know how much you donate so you can donate as much or as little as you like. Won't you please help. The money goes to such a good cause ~ funding childhood cancer research.

Cancer is the number one leading cause of death of children (exceeded only by accidents). Lets help them find ways to stop this!

Just click on this link and then click on my picture to donate.

So, at this point in my hair, I would usually get a hair cut and start covering the gray with some color. I am not sure... I have been thinking. Maybe I should let it get really frizzy and let all the gray come out. Then I will be anxious to have it all shaved off. What do you all think?

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Some Changes are Good

Today was a good day for me. We woke up to several inches of snow on the ground. The first significant snow in North Carolina for many years. It was also President Obama's Inauguration day.

Mackenna was getting ready to go out and play in the snow when I spoke to my friend Joelle on the phone who said she was also getting ready to go out in the snow. I started wondering why I wasn't going. I suppose, old habits die hard and I am just not accustomed to going. I had never gone before because I was afraid of falling down and hurting myself.

This may come as a surprise to those of you who have not know me for very long but in 2005, I weighed almost 400 pounds. So as you can see, I have been on more than one significant journey this decade. Obviously the one where I lost more than 225 pounds is good. The one where I lost my daughter is bad. However, I believe that all journeys make you stronger.

Today, I had to stop and realize that I am not an obese woman anymore. I bundled up, and went out into the snow with my family and I even went sledding down the neighborhood hill (screaming the entire way). Boy it was fun.

When I got home, I watched the end of the Inauguration speech and the Benediction which I really enjoyed.

Today was a good day. One that reminded me that some of the changes in my life are good.

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Unemployment, Vacations and Cucumbers

I filed for unemployment today. The last time I did that was when I was pregnant with Mackenna (more than 12 years ago). It has been so long that the Employment Security Commission is now completely computerized. I did not even have to leave the comfort of my own home, let alone stand in any lines. I love modern technology.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I guess there are contributing factors. Nortel filing for chapter 11 and Vince and I sitting on the edge of our seats about his job could be a big one. The fact that we are keeping this news from Mackenna could be another one (she doesn't need any additional stress in her life right now).

We had promised Mackenna that we would take her snorkeling during her February track out. Then I got laid off but we did not want to disappoint her so I found this amazing deal and went for it. A 7 day cruise from Charleston to the Bahamas for $359 or something (and Mackenna is 1/2 price since she is the 3rd in our cabin).

However, now, I am second guessing myself, especially since the whole Nortel fiasco began. Of course I paid for the trip cancellation insurance because we have a crazy unpredictable life but after scouring the policy tonight I don't think we can get out of it. So now I am anxious about going away too. I am worried about it being too cold to even snorkel in the Bahamas, I am worried about all sorts of things. The list is long. I know it is dumb because they are things that I thought about and rationalized before I spent the money but now that the trip is around the corner and there will be additional expenses (like beverages... even soft drinks and the actual cost of snorkeling), I am feeling guilty and anxious.

I used to be such a calm person. I used to be cool as a cucumber. I love cucumbers.

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Finished my first day at Duke

Well I just finished my first class at Duke. It is exciting to be able to say that especially after only spending 4 hours in a classroom. I attended a Strategies for Fund Raising class. There was an excellent instructor who had a lot of practical experience and I took away a lot of good tips, and a folder full of great examples of things that I will need in my work (grant proposal, letters of interest, corporate proposal, etc.). He was a strong believer that fund raising success is 99% relationship building. With that comment, my confidence grew stronger in my abilities to be successful for the kids I am working for.

I woke up this morning with my (soon to be) bald head on my mind. I am not sure why, but I had renewed momentum to get moving on the St. Baldrick's event. I created a Facebook Event and will work on an Evite this weekend as well (for the people that are not on Facebook). I would love to get as many people to the event as possible to support us.

If I miss you for some reason, check out the details of the event at either My St. Baldrick's Pledge Page or Vince's Pledge Page. It is crazy, but right now, I am not the least bit nervous about shaving my head. When I think of all that Colleen went through, this is nothing. It is only hair and it grows back! I think it will also be a way for me to open up conversation with people to tell them about Striving for More.

It is 20 degrees in NC today. I wore a hat to bring Mackenna to Middle School Prayer group (I don't usually wear hats but I was really cold). I told Mackenna to get used to it, it would probably look a lot worse when I am bald. She said "OK, new rule! You are not allowed to pick me up from school when you are bald!"

Days at Nortel continue to be an nervous ride for Vince. Many of my friends from my Sony Ericsson family are beginning to move away for new jobs in other cities. Moves out of my neighborhood for new jobs seem to be at a higher rate as well. I guess for the first time in my lifetime, I am being directly impacted and seeing direct evidence of the difficult economic times.

I am trying my best to get out of my slump but it is a conscious thought process that I need to go through every few hours. I have to force myself not to be down and to continue to be productive and grateful for my life. It is sort of like when they say if you force yourself to smile, you will eventually feel happy.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and messages of encouragement. Please continue praying. I am a strong believer in the power of prayer.

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I know I should be happier... But.

Things are moving along. Actually much faster than most of the people that are new to how I work expected them to go.

As most of you know, Striving for More, Inc was incorporated on 1/8/2009. I have been working with my attorney to review the By laws for the Board and the we are working on preparing the 1023 document which is this long form that you have to submit to the IRS to get your 501c3 (non profit tax exempt status). My attorney warned me that it could take up to 6 months from the time of submission to get the tax exempt status approved. However, he reiterated that, as long as it is approved, the tax exempt status will be retroactive so I can begin fund raising as long as I am clear regarding the status.

I have scheduled our first Board Meeting, I will be attending my first Duke class tomorrow. I spent several hours in the Non Profit Resource center at the library yesterday looking up seed grants for non profits and taking out books on fund raising and grant writing. I spend every free moment I have in the car listening to Craig's List Foundation Non Profit Boot Camp blogs. (they are awesome). I am learning so much and it is very interesting. I am actually retaining it. I have interesting things to say when in the company of others. That is nice for a change.

All of this should be good, right? So why am I so depressed?

I have spent a lot of time thinking and crying about Colleen in the last week. I miss her tremendously. The gaping whole seems so big right now for some reason. My memories are being triggered very easily. At first, I wasn't quite sure why. Then, last night, when I was crying on Vince's shoulder it occurred to me that perhaps it was because I started going to a new Grief Group last week. A pretty intense grief group, one that is provided free by the local hospice and it challenges you to explore your feelings. Perhaps I hadn't really gone through all of the steps, perhaps I hadn't really felt was I was supposed to feel. Perhaps I am not as ok as I thought I was.

Yesterday was my second week. Last week was primarily introductions. This week we were given Task 1 of 4. Task 1 - Accept the reality of the loss. The second bullet under this task plunged through my heart like a knife. It said "This task involves recognizing that the person is dead and will never return." Now of course I knew that but to read it and really begin to think about it and mentally process it is two different things. It is something that you have to experience to really understand.

On top of all this, Nortel announced that it filed Chapter 11. Vince has worked there for more than 11 years. What more are we going to have to go through?

We can use some prayers this week. Prayers for me to stay strong. Prayers of comfort for Vince and I. Prayers for us to remain steadfast and to remember that God will provide as we put each foot in front of the other.

I just really don't want to be broken down any further than we already are.

Just because it appears that I am doing well on the outside, doesn't mean that I am doing well. I loved something the therapist said yesterday at grief group. "it's just a little mascara... it isn't world peace!"

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Lots accomplished and something to celebrate.

According to my attorney, the incorporation of Striving for More was approved by the Secretary of State yesterday. So, Striving for More is officially Striving for More, Incorporated, a non profit corporation. Now, we just have to get the federal tax exempt paper work (501c3) approved by the federal government which could take up to 3 months. Donations can be made and as long as the federal paperwork is approved, our tax exempt status is retroactive to 1/8/2009. I am actively working on my fund raising plan now and I look forward to receiving that first dollar that I can (metaphorically) "tape over my desk".

I am working on scheduling my first board meeting and have begun working on everything I need to have prepared for that. In addition, I am enrolled in several non profit management courses at Duke which start next week. We had an exciting meeting about web design this week and I am excited about what it will look like when it is done.

Lastly, I spoke to several of the professionals that were involved in Colleen's emotional and spiritual care. They have agreed to be on the advisory board and help the organization by writing about their profession for the website. I am very grateful for how well all of my requests for help have been received.

With all of my accomplishments this week, my heart is heavy for my friend Robin who lost her 45 year old brother on Monday night to a sudden brain bleed. Although he has joined his wife in heaven (she died 5 years ago to brain cancer), he leaves a daughter behind. Please pray for this family who must be devastated by this sudden loss.

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Feeling Ready to Start a New Year Strong

The Christmas decorations are all put away, Mackenna is off to school, the house is almost organized from the post holiday clutter) and I am feeling motivated to start the new year off right and get moving with Striving for More.

Jill Balogh and I have our first Striving for More meeting of the new year this morning and I actually prepared written meeting notes. Jill (Balogh) one of my good friends is awesome. She was one of the people that I called upon when Colleen was lacking psychosocial support. I knew she would be this quiet presence that would sit with Colleen and allow Colleen to ask questions or talk if she needed to talk. It was a heavy job that I asked her to do knowing what the outcome would be but she was prepared and she came once or twice a week and she loved my daughter. I will always love her for that. We became very close though that experience and when I began this non profit journey, I knew that God wanted me to ask her to join me. She has been wonderful. She has been my right hand, every step of the way. We are learning all of this together and I am feeling very blessed to have someone to hold my hand through all of this.

With that said, we need a lot more help. When I was writing my meeting plan notes, I just kept coming back to the statement - "need volunteer". So, if you are interested in helping us, please let me know by emailing me. I have a new striving4more.org email address to keep business separate from personal.

People reached out to me early on when I really did not know what I needed done, well now I do. I think I might have a volunteer meeting in the next couple of weeks to get organized and I will try to get a volunteer registration database set up on the website when that is ready as well.

Have a great day and I hope you start your New Year or work off as pumped and ready as I am!

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Designing Some New ~ Purging Some Old

I have spent the last couple of days working on the Striving for More website design document. Since writing design documents is what I spent a good part of my career doing, you would think that this would come easily for me. But it isn't. You see, when you are writing design documents in the professional world, you gather requirements from your customer. I am good at asking people questions and then asking them follow up questions to turn their ideas into a design.

However, during the last few days, I have figured out that when the ideas are in my own mind, it is much harder to pull them out and put them down on paper. Then I remember that many years ago, Vince and I worked together at AT&T. I came up with ideas for how software systems would work better and I would write the requirements and he would write the software code for it. So we sat down together for a while yesterday and talked about the web design. It was like old times, it was fun.

I also remembered that I heard a non profit podcast that said don't design a web page based on what you think the visitor wants to see, design a web page by asking "what does the visitor want to learn about your organization". So, I thought I would throw that out to all of you. Email me and tell me what you would like to learn by going to a Striving for More website.

I heard on this same podcast that people spend an average of 8 seconds making a decision to click deeper into your website or leaving your website so I want to make sure that I get this right. I am anxious to hear from you.

As for purging... I just finished cleaning out a kitchen drawer (full of liquid medicine syringes) so it seems to be an ongoing process of removing visual reminders of Colleen. Not the meaningful ones of course. Just dumb ones that cause little stabs in our gut unconsciously every time we open that drawer to get out a measuring spoon. I guess it takes a long time. For some reason, it never even occurred to mean to clean out that drawer until today. There are other things like that looming in other drawers, in other closets. Waiting for us. I guess God makes it so it processes a little bit at a time or it would be way too overwhelming to realize all that you had to deal with immediately after a death. I guess that is what I should be thankful for today.

I am also thankful for my friend Laura who offered to work on the graphic design of the Striving for More website even though her hands are really full. She followed Colleen's journey and her passion for helping are shining through.

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