Officers Elected and Logo Selected

Last Wednesday evening, Striving for More, Inc had its first official board meeting. The fact that the board met for the first time was an exciting milestone for me. In my mind, that was the evening that "my organization" becomes "an Organization managed by a Board of Directors". It sounds so thrilling, doesn't it? Also in my mind, that is the day that I became an employee or even a servant to the Board. I pray that I can continue to communicate my vision, my passion and my enthusiasm to each of them so that we can all accomplish great things together but it is no longer just "mine" and major decisions will have to be made as a team.

During the meeting, officers were elected. Up until this point, I have not shared who was on my board because I did not feel like it was official yet. Since it is official at this point, I am ready to share with you all the Striving for More Board of Directors

• President ~ Diane Moore
  
• Vice President ~ Bob Witter - Bob and I were colleagues at Sony Ericsson for many years until he left 6 years ago to start his own company. He is currently the CEO of Device Solutions, a technology firm located in RTP. He was an inspirational mentor to me during our time together at Sony Ericsson and I believe he has picked up right where he left off. As cancer has touched his life in many ways through family and friends, he is passionate about our cause.
  
• Treasurer ~ Jill Balogh - Many of you have heard me talk about Jill before. She is a great friend and loved Colleen and the time she spent with her. Jill also spent more than 20 years at IBM as a software programmer before she retired a year ago. Since her time with Colleen, she now has a passion to help kids with cancer and has been my right hand in the establishment of this organization.
  
• Secretary ~ Shay Montgomery Crenshaw, M.Div., BCC - Shay is the Director of Pastoral Care for UNC Hospitals. My relationship developed with Shay during Colleen's time at UNC as she was the Pastor serving in the Pediatric Oncology Unit at the time. Both Colleen and I grew to love her. Her passion is helping children and she is pleased to be able to serve in this role.
  
• Director ~ Daniel S. Wechsler, MD, PhD - Dr. Wechsler is the Chief of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology at Duke University Medical Center. I am honored and thrilled to have him on our board. He was Colleen's doctor at Duke and he continues to support this important initiative and our work towards improving the care that all kids with cancer receive.
  
• Other ~ Felicia Gore Hoover, JD - Felicia is long time friend of mine and an excellent attorney. She has agreed to serve on the board temporarily until we can find a permanent replacement. Her life is quite full as the mother of triplet 9 year old girls, working full time and already serving on other boards. She has already proven to be an extremely valuable resource during our first board meeting. Thanks Felicia.

We are still in need of additional board members. Specifically, we are looking for passionate individuals in the following roles who may be interested in serving in this important role:

CPA, Marketing/Advertising/PR, Experiencing Fund Raiser or Development Director, Pediatric Social Worker, Pediatric Psychologist, Child Life Specialist or Recreation Therapist, Pediatric Oncology Nurse, Nurse Practitioner or Physicians Assistant, Attorney (Business, Estate Planning or Non Profit Experience Preferred), Computer or other Technological Specialties, Entertainment Industries/Media Executives, Business Executives (Officers or Key Corporate Positions).

If you are in one of these roles, are passionate about the Striving for More cause and think you may be interested in joining us, please contact me.

The second exciting accomplishment that came out of our meeting is that we picked a logo! So, here is the first official unveiling of the new Striving for More, Inc. logo.

For those of you who are unaware, the gold ribbon represents, Childhood Cancer Awareness. Just like the Pink Ribbon represents Breast Cancer Awareness. We realize that this is not a well known fact at this time but we decided that we think that need to change. We hope that a year from now, everyone will be buying gold kitchen appliances to support childhood cancer!

Lastly, the Bylaws were all officially signed by the board members and the tax exemption paperwork was officially submitted to the IRS. So now we are in a waiting game. It could be 90 days or it could be a year. We were advised by our attorneys not to perform any fund raising activities until we receive our official tax certification.

As a result, I have decided that I will pursue some short term contracting assignments to try to beef up my savings account to help me get through the future life of a social entrepreneur living on a meager or potentially non existent wage. Therefore, if you know anyone that needs a kick butt, highly efficient, Enterprise Software Implementation Program Manager who is willing to travel and take short term assignments, send them my way.

This does not mean that I am giving up on my vision, or my passion. I think this is what God has in mind right now, while I wait. Work during the day for "the man" and plan during the evenings for "the kids".

Please say a prayer that I am discerning this message correctly.

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Legal Language and Logos

I spent the entire day today working on finalizing the 1023 document for the IRS (so they will give me tax exempt status). I had left the meeting with my attorney last week with a list of action items. I had underestimated how much effort that I would have to put into the "narratives" that have to be attached to the 28 page form. Boy, it was an exhausting day. But I am really glad that the work is behind me and most of it is stuff that I would have ended up doing anyway. For example, I actually had to design a Striving for More Grant Application and Process.

I was initially thinking I would surf the web and find another foundation's grant application and tweak it. Well, that is what I ended up doing but it took a LOT of tweaking since Striving for More is so unique in the fact that it is the first of its kind (that I know of) to fund psychosocial services. All of the other foundations are funding research and the application and review process for that type of grant is completely different than what I needed. That was only one of about 9 action items which were all at least that difficult. But as I said, I am glad to have it behind me. I feel exhausted but accomplished.

Sprinkled throughout my day, I have been looking at possible Striving for More logos. I started a logo design contest and I have received 48 submissions already. There are still 6 days left in the contest. The contest administrators encourage you to provide prompt and constructive feedback when the designers submit artwork. This allows for an iterative process over the 10 day contest period. It is interesting, fun and a lot of work all at the same time.

I sure would love to hear some comments from you guys. It gets really hard to look at them all and I would love to hear some other opinions. I am hoping that one is going to come in it is going to hit me as the perfect logo but it hasn't happened yet. I have been very impressed by the dedication, hard work and quality that I have received. The designers that are working on it seem to be working hard to win.

Please go check it out and let me know what you think! Click here to check them out. Scroll down to see the logos because they are toward the bottom of the page. Each logo has a number so it is best to refer to the number if you make a comment. I can't wait to hear your comments. Comment here on the blog so everyone can see, that is, if you aren't too shy.

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Wacky Hair and Newly Found Confidence to Go With It!

Today was a good day. Wednesdays usually are not such good days for me because they start out with grief group and that is a tough way to start the day.

However, today, I decided that I was going to find a salon to give me crazy hair for free. So, I armed myself with a picture of Colleen and I, a print out of from the St. Baldrick's site showing that I am the top female fund raiser in Raleigh right now, and my Striving for More Article of Incorporation from the State.

The first salon I happened upon was Finesse Salon & Spa at 4406 Old Wake Forest Road (right next to Red Lobster). I went in and spoke to April (the manager). She was fantastic. I barely got my spiel out of my mouth and she agree to help me. She was so enthusiastic, it was fantastic.

So April and a stylist named Katie started working on my hair right away. I specifically went during a typically slow time so that I would not take away from their other business so they were able to help me right away. I had a blast. It was so liberating letting them do whatever they wanted and April was so great. She knew that I wanted to get attention and she was so great helping me get wild. You see the picture. I ended up with platinum blond hair with a blue faux hawk. And this is permanent dye... well I guess until it gets shaved off on March 7th.

April offered me gift certificates and offered to run other fund raising events at the salon to support Striving for More as well. We are going to talk more about that in the future. She was fantastic. When I say in my title that I have new found confidence, it actually has very little to do with my hair. It has to do with the fact that I went into this salon and I asked for a donation and I was received so well, I have confidence in myself for my future fundraising capabilities. I might actually be able to do this. I was doubting myself a bit.

This weekend, Ed's sermon was on fear. He reminded us that when we are afraid, it is ok to ask God to show us what He has in store for us. I had never actually thought of doing that before. I thought that turning your life over to God meant and letting Him be in control meant that you were not allowed to know the future. So, I never prayed about asking to see what He had in store. After hearing the sermon, I have been praying about asking to see what God has in store for me because I am nervous and fearful of my future.

I feel like that prayer has been answered in a small way. In that I have been shown that perhaps I can actually be successful at fund raising and that maybe what I did today is what my future will look like for a little while.

Today, I am thankful for answered prayers and generous strangers who have become new friends and supporters.

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Closer and Closer to a Federal Non Profit...

I worked all afternoon today with my attorney on the IRS 1023 form. That is the form that you need to submit to the IRS in order to obtain your 501(c)3 status which means that you are an official non profit charitable organization in the eyes of the federal government. It is a brutal form and they review it very carefully. It is over 28 pages long and with the written attachments it ends up being more than 50 pages of submissions. I still have a bit of homework to do but we are closing in fast.

I received my Employee Identification Number from the IRS today. That is the number that is equivalent to a social security number for businesses so I can open a bank account and do a lot of the things that I have been waiting to do regarding the business so I am excited about that.

Next Wednesday, I have my first Board Meeting. I have to complete all of the outstanding work for the 1023 and have the bylaws signed by the board members on Wednesdays. Then I can have the attorney submit the 1023 on Thursday. It is an exciting milestone. However, then the wait will begin. And it could be a long wait. Some say 3 months, some say 6 months, some say as long as a year. Obviously, I pray that it is as quick as possible.

Colleen died 8 months ago today. It doesn't seem like it has been that long.

We took Mackenna to the first of an 8 week grief children's grief group hosted by Hospice of Wake County. They serve a light dinner and spend a half an hour with the parent and the children and then they split the kids and the parents into groups. There are three groups (teens, kids 6-12 and parents). It was a good mix. I was glad to hear that there was glad to hear that there were two other kids there that had lost siblings (I know glad sounds bad but I hope by now you all know what I mean). Mackenna did not feel like she needed to go but on the way home she said that she was glad she went. The session for adults was rough on Vince and I. It is hard to sit around and listen to the stories other people's loss which is what the nights of introduction are usually like. Mackenna realized tonight that Colleen died on her "half birthday". That was sort of a bummer of a reality for her. Since her birthday is around Christmas she always appreciated recognizing her "half birthday" even though we never actually celebrated it with anything.

Need to sign off, I have class at Duke all day tomorrow... "Board Management for Non Profits".

By the way, I have decided that I am going to dye/bleach my hair some crazy color to create a stir before the shave. So if you know of a stylist in the area that is willing to do this for me for free in the next week as a way of contributing to the cause, I would love a referral (I believe it will help me raise more money for St. Baldrick's and also allow me to talk more about Striving for More).

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Docked with Time for Reflection

Today we are docked in Port Canaveral and I have a strong enough cell signal that I am able to use my cell phone and as a modem to write this blog.

You may wonder why I am on the ship writing this when I could be out enjoying the Florida weather. We did take a 3 hour "Wilderness Excursion" earlier but we did not have enough clothes to keep us warm enough and decided to return to the warmth of the ship as it is only 43 degrees here today (and that does not count the wind chill coming off the water). We did get to see lots of birds on our pontoon cruise and the people were nice but we were all a bit disappointed that the dolphins and the manatees didn't make an appearance.

I have cruised many times in my life. In fact, when I was about 19 or 20 I took a cruise to Bermuda alone (through a travel agent that booked me with about 24 other singles) and it was one of the best vacations that I have ever had. However, Vince and Mackenna had never been on a cruise before this one. We have collectively decided that this will be our last. This is just not the environment for us not to mention that the weather has been unusually cold the entire time.

The good news is that we did get one sunny day in Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas (the cruise line's own island) where Mackenna had her first snorkeling experience in crystal blue water and she loved it. She and her Dad enjoyed the time together even though the water was very cold. I, on the other hand, sat on the beach and finally finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. I cried hysterically but it was probably because it hit very close to home for me. It definitely was an important book in my Christian journey and I have heard other people say that it has changed their lives so I recommend it if you have not read it. I have to be honest, it was a hard read for me at first (seemed a bit hokey) but I liked the message it had to send.

If you have never done it before, I also highly recommend taking a trip completely alone. In fact, I am considering doing it again this yearr. My church is encouraging everyone in the church to take a pilgrimage this year and helping to arrange trips. I am considering going on a trip to a Salt Lake City Emergent Community. I want to be within a community where there are not as many Christians. I want to talk less and listen more. Listen to God and to others and to learn from it.

Not sure why I am talking about taking this trip when we are not even home yet. Vince is antsy to get home. So am I. This trip was good. This is the first day since we left that I have had a laptop on my lap and it is usually a fixture that is permanently affixed to my body so it has been a needed break. We have spent a lot of time with Mackenna and she has said that she has enjoyed it although she states she would rather just fly to "one of these places next time and stay in a hotel" and we all agreed.

It never ceases to amaze me how God puts people in your path. The one event that I decided to do on this ship alone was the "Martini Tasting". I sat next to this couple and started chatting and eventually got around to what I do for a living and how I got to this point in my life. You should know that about 80% of the people on this ship seem to be over the age of 60 and seem to keep to themselves. So at this point, I had not chatted with anyone. Anyway, they tell me that they are both nurses and that she is an oncology nurse. We spoke for a while longer and they really encouraged me and what I am doing for the kids. I am thankful that God had these two people sitting next to me. Yes... even at a martini tasting.

That's all for now. There is a trivia challenge at 8pm that sounds like it might be fun and we haven't had dinner yet. We leave port at 9:30 so I will most likely be incommunicado until we return on Saturday so I hope every has a good Friday.

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Losing My Mind

Today was not a good day. I had an appointment with my attorney and discovered that we were not as far along as I thought we were in the 501c3 process. It was a real disappointment to discover. The worst thing about the appointment was that after I left, I realized how much I have changed.

This was a business appointment. The old "business Diane" was a tough cookie. I handled it well and I was clear with communicating my disappointment in a professional way. However, I needed to get out of the office fast because I was going to cry.

The old Diane would not have been close to crying over something like that. The old Diane learned to keep a stiff upper lip during business interactions at all times. I got out to the car and completely lost it.

Vince helped me realize that I did not care about cell phone development quite as much as I care about Striving for More and perhaps that is why it is so much harder to stay calm in this new business. But I would really like to get better at this. It is important to me that I can be a professional because this is a business too. The attorney called me this afternoon and handled the situation very well. I am content with the way the situation is moving forward for now.

Now, onto another subject. We are leaving for vacation in the morning. As you know from a previous blog, I was struggling with going on the cruise. Since that blog, I had decided to take a less expensive road trip to Florida instead. I was able to find a loop hole that would let me use the insurance and cancel the cruise with the trip cancellation policy.

I felt pretty good about the decision until about 6pm tonight when I felt like I started losing my mind. In retrospect, I think that what I was going to do with the cruise was not the most honest thing and I was feeling guilty and confused. So, I decided to change my mind again and do the right thing and not cancel the cruise but go on it. I realized that Vince really must love me a lot because when I dumped it on Vince out of the blue, he wasn't the least bit upset with me.

So, we have been crazy packing differently all evening getting ready for the cruise and we will leave in the morning. Thankfully, I am feeling content again. The pieces of my mind are starting to settle back down into their appropriate positions.

Please pray for us as we spend a week together on the Norwegian Majesty cruising to Florida and the Bahamas. Please pray that we don't have too much anxiety over how much all of the extras cost and the fact that Vince's job is still... well, still Nortel. And if I could ask that you pray that we get some extra sun and warmth, I would love that!

Tonight, I am especially thankful that I have a friend that I can call when I am hysterical, tell her that I am losing my mind and she makes me realize that maybe I'm not.

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I really miss Colleen this afternoon

Some times are worse than others. This afternoon is one of those times. I was out on Craigslist, trying to find Joomla web developers that I could ask to do pro bono work on the Striving For More website.

I found one who sounded really good. She even has pink hair. I thought I would tell her about Colleen and our cause and even about the day that we all dyed our hair pink. I thought the story would even be more moving if I added a picture to the email so I started going through my pictures when I found this one.

It is such a perfect picture taken only 8 days before she died. I have been staring at this picture and crying for at least 35 minutes. When I look at it, I feel connected to her. She seems to be looking at my soul and it is tearing my heart out.

According to the CDC, more than 2200 children die of cancer every year. This is so sad to me. I know it is scary to everyone who is a grandparent, parent, brother, sister, aunt or uncle. For anyone on this planet who has ever looked into the eye of a child.

I have heard of too many children having cancer that I know personally. It feels like the number is increasing. I did some research and the cancer incidence numbers are up but the mortality rate is down. The fact that they are making progress in the treatment is terrific and I pray that it continues. However, since the incident rate is up, it means that more children and their families will suffer through the emotional turmoil and pain of this horrible monster invading their lives.

This is what keeps me awake at night. This is what I have to figure out how to fix and it can't happen fast enough. Everyone keeps telling me that I am going "through the processes" to get the organization started faster than they expected but I feel like it is way too slow. All I can think is that with each passing day, another child lays in a bed somewhere thinking, questioning and wondering "why me?".

I need an army of volunteers and I need a key to Fort Knox. Anything less and we won't be able to move fast enough to help all of the children that will be seriously and irreversibly emotionally impacted by cancer. My logical self knows that this isn't a good way to look at this. So....

Today, I ask for prayers that the Lord give me contentment.
Contentment that I will see my beloved Colleen when He thinks the time is right.
Contentment that Striving for More grows at the speed that it is supposed to.
Contentment that other people are helping the suffering children and families while I am doing what He asks me to do each day.

However, what ever you do.... please do not ask the Lord to give me patience. (Sort of a general rule I have based on past experience.)

Just for the record, I stopped crying a long time ago. This blog is truly therapeutic and I appreciate everyone that allows me to share my life with them because it honestly helps me too.

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I was Interviewed Today by the News and Observer

First and foremost, thank you to everyone who generously donated to St. Baldrick's, I am at 72% of my goal which is terrific. I have more to go to get to my goal and so I appreciate any one else who is still planning to donate to help me get to my goal to shave my head on 3/7.

I was interviewed today by Sue Stock. Sue is the Retail Reporter for the Raleigh News and Observer newspaper. I am a big fan of Sue's daily blog called Taking Stock. It is a blog about saving money while shopping. A few weeks ago, she asked people to write to her if they have started using coupons as a result of the economic downturn. I wrote her an email and told her our story. Everything from losing Colleen to losing my job. I told her that we recently started actively using coupons to save money. Hey, it was the truth and I figured any sort of press, is an opportunity for me to plug Striving For More, right?

Sue called me last week and she came to the house today and interviewed me. She will return in two weeks with a photographer. She is planning a 3 part article featuring three families who have been impacted by the economy (It feels like we all have, huh?).

Her article will report on ways that the three families are saving money. When we spoke this weekend, Sue asked me if I was willing to share my story with the world. I said, "Sure, that is what I do". I also said, my intentions are not all selfless, I am looking for free PR for my nonprofit organization. She said, "I understand."

I was the first person to be interviewed today so she said she has "some work to do". Her articles run on Fridays in the paper and she plans to have one run soon, then part two run in the summer and the last part run in the fall.

It should be interesting. Vince isn't too crazy about his picture being in the paper. I told him that he has "to take one for the team". I told him that this really doesn't have anything to do with coupons it is all about Striving for More and advancing our cause.

It would be fantastic if a few new people find out about what we are doing because of this article, wouldn't it? I guess hoping that a wealthy philanthropist would be reading the column is pushing it.

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Only 40 Days Until the Shave!

I realized this morning as I was looking at the huge mop of wavy hair sitting on top of my head that there are only 40 days left before it all gets shaved off.

Thanks so much to the people who have donated toward St. Baldrick's (for my head or for the Striving4More team)!

Also, thanks to Dave Hughens who joined the Striving4More Shave team! If anyone else out there would like to join our team, please let me know. We would love to have you.

I have a goal to raise $2000 for my head and I am currently at just over 25% of goal. As my daughter, Mackenna would put it... "Come on peoples", I am a woman and I am shaving my head bald! There are VERY few women that would do this. I don't want to have to do the walk of shame onto the stage on March 7th and announce that I was not able to collect what I had pledged.

If every single person reading this blog donated just $5, I am sure I would make my goal. Nobody but you will know how much you donate so you can donate as much or as little as you like. Won't you please help. The money goes to such a good cause ~ funding childhood cancer research.

Cancer is the number one leading cause of death of children (exceeded only by accidents). Lets help them find ways to stop this!

Just click on this link and then click on my picture to donate.

So, at this point in my hair, I would usually get a hair cut and start covering the gray with some color. I am not sure... I have been thinking. Maybe I should let it get really frizzy and let all the gray come out. Then I will be anxious to have it all shaved off. What do you all think?

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Some Changes are Good

Today was a good day for me. We woke up to several inches of snow on the ground. The first significant snow in North Carolina for many years. It was also President Obama's Inauguration day.

Mackenna was getting ready to go out and play in the snow when I spoke to my friend Joelle on the phone who said she was also getting ready to go out in the snow. I started wondering why I wasn't going. I suppose, old habits die hard and I am just not accustomed to going. I had never gone before because I was afraid of falling down and hurting myself.

This may come as a surprise to those of you who have not know me for very long but in 2005, I weighed almost 400 pounds. So as you can see, I have been on more than one significant journey this decade. Obviously the one where I lost more than 225 pounds is good. The one where I lost my daughter is bad. However, I believe that all journeys make you stronger.

Today, I had to stop and realize that I am not an obese woman anymore. I bundled up, and went out into the snow with my family and I even went sledding down the neighborhood hill (screaming the entire way). Boy it was fun.

When I got home, I watched the end of the Inauguration speech and the Benediction which I really enjoyed.

Today was a good day. One that reminded me that some of the changes in my life are good.

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Unemployment, Vacations and Cucumbers

I filed for unemployment today. The last time I did that was when I was pregnant with Mackenna (more than 12 years ago). It has been so long that the Employment Security Commission is now completely computerized. I did not even have to leave the comfort of my own home, let alone stand in any lines. I love modern technology.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I guess there are contributing factors. Nortel filing for chapter 11 and Vince and I sitting on the edge of our seats about his job could be a big one. The fact that we are keeping this news from Mackenna could be another one (she doesn't need any additional stress in her life right now).

We had promised Mackenna that we would take her snorkeling during her February track out. Then I got laid off but we did not want to disappoint her so I found this amazing deal and went for it. A 7 day cruise from Charleston to the Bahamas for $359 or something (and Mackenna is 1/2 price since she is the 3rd in our cabin).

However, now, I am second guessing myself, especially since the whole Nortel fiasco began. Of course I paid for the trip cancellation insurance because we have a crazy unpredictable life but after scouring the policy tonight I don't think we can get out of it. So now I am anxious about going away too. I am worried about it being too cold to even snorkel in the Bahamas, I am worried about all sorts of things. The list is long. I know it is dumb because they are things that I thought about and rationalized before I spent the money but now that the trip is around the corner and there will be additional expenses (like beverages... even soft drinks and the actual cost of snorkeling), I am feeling guilty and anxious.

I used to be such a calm person. I used to be cool as a cucumber. I love cucumbers.

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Finished my first day at Duke

Well I just finished my first class at Duke. It is exciting to be able to say that especially after only spending 4 hours in a classroom. I attended a Strategies for Fund Raising class. There was an excellent instructor who had a lot of practical experience and I took away a lot of good tips, and a folder full of great examples of things that I will need in my work (grant proposal, letters of interest, corporate proposal, etc.). He was a strong believer that fund raising success is 99% relationship building. With that comment, my confidence grew stronger in my abilities to be successful for the kids I am working for.

I woke up this morning with my (soon to be) bald head on my mind. I am not sure why, but I had renewed momentum to get moving on the St. Baldrick's event. I created a Facebook Event and will work on an Evite this weekend as well (for the people that are not on Facebook). I would love to get as many people to the event as possible to support us.

If I miss you for some reason, check out the details of the event at either My St. Baldrick's Pledge Page or Vince's Pledge Page. It is crazy, but right now, I am not the least bit nervous about shaving my head. When I think of all that Colleen went through, this is nothing. It is only hair and it grows back! I think it will also be a way for me to open up conversation with people to tell them about Striving for More.

It is 20 degrees in NC today. I wore a hat to bring Mackenna to Middle School Prayer group (I don't usually wear hats but I was really cold). I told Mackenna to get used to it, it would probably look a lot worse when I am bald. She said "OK, new rule! You are not allowed to pick me up from school when you are bald!"

Days at Nortel continue to be an nervous ride for Vince. Many of my friends from my Sony Ericsson family are beginning to move away for new jobs in other cities. Moves out of my neighborhood for new jobs seem to be at a higher rate as well. I guess for the first time in my lifetime, I am being directly impacted and seeing direct evidence of the difficult economic times.

I am trying my best to get out of my slump but it is a conscious thought process that I need to go through every few hours. I have to force myself not to be down and to continue to be productive and grateful for my life. It is sort of like when they say if you force yourself to smile, you will eventually feel happy.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and messages of encouragement. Please continue praying. I am a strong believer in the power of prayer.

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I know I should be happier... But.

Things are moving along. Actually much faster than most of the people that are new to how I work expected them to go.

As most of you know, Striving for More, Inc was incorporated on 1/8/2009. I have been working with my attorney to review the By laws for the Board and the we are working on preparing the 1023 document which is this long form that you have to submit to the IRS to get your 501c3 (non profit tax exempt status). My attorney warned me that it could take up to 6 months from the time of submission to get the tax exempt status approved. However, he reiterated that, as long as it is approved, the tax exempt status will be retroactive so I can begin fund raising as long as I am clear regarding the status.

I have scheduled our first Board Meeting, I will be attending my first Duke class tomorrow. I spent several hours in the Non Profit Resource center at the library yesterday looking up seed grants for non profits and taking out books on fund raising and grant writing. I spend every free moment I have in the car listening to Craig's List Foundation Non Profit Boot Camp blogs. (they are awesome). I am learning so much and it is very interesting. I am actually retaining it. I have interesting things to say when in the company of others. That is nice for a change.

All of this should be good, right? So why am I so depressed?

I have spent a lot of time thinking and crying about Colleen in the last week. I miss her tremendously. The gaping whole seems so big right now for some reason. My memories are being triggered very easily. At first, I wasn't quite sure why. Then, last night, when I was crying on Vince's shoulder it occurred to me that perhaps it was because I started going to a new Grief Group last week. A pretty intense grief group, one that is provided free by the local hospice and it challenges you to explore your feelings. Perhaps I hadn't really gone through all of the steps, perhaps I hadn't really felt was I was supposed to feel. Perhaps I am not as ok as I thought I was.

Yesterday was my second week. Last week was primarily introductions. This week we were given Task 1 of 4. Task 1 - Accept the reality of the loss. The second bullet under this task plunged through my heart like a knife. It said "This task involves recognizing that the person is dead and will never return." Now of course I knew that but to read it and really begin to think about it and mentally process it is two different things. It is something that you have to experience to really understand.

On top of all this, Nortel announced that it filed Chapter 11. Vince has worked there for more than 11 years. What more are we going to have to go through?

We can use some prayers this week. Prayers for me to stay strong. Prayers of comfort for Vince and I. Prayers for us to remain steadfast and to remember that God will provide as we put each foot in front of the other.

I just really don't want to be broken down any further than we already are.

Just because it appears that I am doing well on the outside, doesn't mean that I am doing well. I loved something the therapist said yesterday at grief group. "it's just a little mascara... it isn't world peace!"

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Lots accomplished and something to celebrate.

According to my attorney, the incorporation of Striving for More was approved by the Secretary of State yesterday. So, Striving for More is officially Striving for More, Incorporated, a non profit corporation. Now, we just have to get the federal tax exempt paper work (501c3) approved by the federal government which could take up to 3 months. Donations can be made and as long as the federal paperwork is approved, our tax exempt status is retroactive to 1/8/2009. I am actively working on my fund raising plan now and I look forward to receiving that first dollar that I can (metaphorically) "tape over my desk".

I am working on scheduling my first board meeting and have begun working on everything I need to have prepared for that. In addition, I am enrolled in several non profit management courses at Duke which start next week. We had an exciting meeting about web design this week and I am excited about what it will look like when it is done.

Lastly, I spoke to several of the professionals that were involved in Colleen's emotional and spiritual care. They have agreed to be on the advisory board and help the organization by writing about their profession for the website. I am very grateful for how well all of my requests for help have been received.

With all of my accomplishments this week, my heart is heavy for my friend Robin who lost her 45 year old brother on Monday night to a sudden brain bleed. Although he has joined his wife in heaven (she died 5 years ago to brain cancer), he leaves a daughter behind. Please pray for this family who must be devastated by this sudden loss.

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Feeling Ready to Start a New Year Strong

The Christmas decorations are all put away, Mackenna is off to school, the house is almost organized from the post holiday clutter) and I am feeling motivated to start the new year off right and get moving with Striving for More.

Jill Balogh and I have our first Striving for More meeting of the new year this morning and I actually prepared written meeting notes. Jill (Balogh) one of my good friends is awesome. She was one of the people that I called upon when Colleen was lacking psychosocial support. I knew she would be this quiet presence that would sit with Colleen and allow Colleen to ask questions or talk if she needed to talk. It was a heavy job that I asked her to do knowing what the outcome would be but she was prepared and she came once or twice a week and she loved my daughter. I will always love her for that. We became very close though that experience and when I began this non profit journey, I knew that God wanted me to ask her to join me. She has been wonderful. She has been my right hand, every step of the way. We are learning all of this together and I am feeling very blessed to have someone to hold my hand through all of this.

With that said, we need a lot more help. When I was writing my meeting plan notes, I just kept coming back to the statement - "need volunteer". So, if you are interested in helping us, please let me know by emailing me. I have a new striving4more.org email address to keep business separate from personal.

People reached out to me early on when I really did not know what I needed done, well now I do. I think I might have a volunteer meeting in the next couple of weeks to get organized and I will try to get a volunteer registration database set up on the website when that is ready as well.

Have a great day and I hope you start your New Year or work off as pumped and ready as I am!

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Designing Some New ~ Purging Some Old

I have spent the last couple of days working on the Striving for More website design document. Since writing design documents is what I spent a good part of my career doing, you would think that this would come easily for me. But it isn't. You see, when you are writing design documents in the professional world, you gather requirements from your customer. I am good at asking people questions and then asking them follow up questions to turn their ideas into a design.

However, during the last few days, I have figured out that when the ideas are in my own mind, it is much harder to pull them out and put them down on paper. Then I remember that many years ago, Vince and I worked together at AT&T. I came up with ideas for how software systems would work better and I would write the requirements and he would write the software code for it. So we sat down together for a while yesterday and talked about the web design. It was like old times, it was fun.

I also remembered that I heard a non profit podcast that said don't design a web page based on what you think the visitor wants to see, design a web page by asking "what does the visitor want to learn about your organization". So, I thought I would throw that out to all of you. Email me and tell me what you would like to learn by going to a Striving for More website.

I heard on this same podcast that people spend an average of 8 seconds making a decision to click deeper into your website or leaving your website so I want to make sure that I get this right. I am anxious to hear from you.

As for purging... I just finished cleaning out a kitchen drawer (full of liquid medicine syringes) so it seems to be an ongoing process of removing visual reminders of Colleen. Not the meaningful ones of course. Just dumb ones that cause little stabs in our gut unconsciously every time we open that drawer to get out a measuring spoon. I guess it takes a long time. For some reason, it never even occurred to mean to clean out that drawer until today. There are other things like that looming in other drawers, in other closets. Waiting for us. I guess God makes it so it processes a little bit at a time or it would be way too overwhelming to realize all that you had to deal with immediately after a death. I guess that is what I should be thankful for today.

I am also thankful for my friend Laura who offered to work on the graphic design of the Striving for More website even though her hands are really full. She followed Colleen's journey and her passion for helping are shining through.

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Enjoying Learning Something New for the First Time

I apparently corrected the previous technical difficulties but I had no idea that it would result in such a long email. I apologize for any inconvenience.

I can honestly say that I am enjoying learning something new for the first time in my life. That must mean that I am supposed to be doing this, huh?

It is sad, when I think back the to rest of my life and career, when I had to learn new things, I really did not enjoy that part very much. I enjoyed being good at things. Of course, who doesn't? But I honestly dreaded the task of actually learning new skills.

I guess that must be why I never liked school and usually choose to prioritize everything over school in my life. I know people that had much more complicated lives than I did and got advanced degrees. You have to give people like that a lot of credit.

It took me until now to have this realization but I am glad I have had it. I am even more glad that I am finally enjoying learning. Because I have so much to learn and I am finally having fun.

Today I had lunch with a gentleman that I used to work with several years ago, who chose to move on and start his own company. I was encouraged by several people that I genuinely respect to have lunch with him because I was told that "he is the smartest man" they knew. By the end of the lunch, I think I have to agree.

In our brief time together I learned things that I did not even know that I needed to learn and I enjoyed the discussion. I already knew that I had a lot to learn about non profit management and although I started the discussion this way, he encouraged me that he was sure I was already well on my way to educating myself. By the end of our meeting, we reached his area of expertise and I realized that I also have a lot to learn about Market Research, Marketing, Public Relations, Advertising, Graphic Arts, etc. Most importantly, I realized that I need to learn the difference between all of these types of resources and what they do because although I thought I already knew that information, I realized I was wrong. I also realized that this is another reason why it is so is important to continue to network and find resources to help me.

Most importantly, I realized that I am enjoying adding this new information to my brain.

I have frequently heard the term "finding your glee". This is coming to mind tonight because I feel like this is where I am. I feel that, in this career, the path God chose to put me on after Colleen's death, I have found my "glee". However, although I have heard this phase before, I wanted to look it up before I used it in my blog tonight. I looked up glee at dictionary.com and this is what I found for the first definition....

glee (n) - open delight or pleasure; exultant joy; exultation.

After an unbearably painful life experience, I HAVE found my glee. Today, this makes me happy and thankful.

Why are you thankful? I encourage you to think about it, and vocalize it before the strike of midnight on Wednesday.

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Technical Difficulties & Confusion... Hopefully are at an end

Several people have emailed me that they are not getting an email when I update the blog. I have put new updates out here many times (7 in December to be exact) so it has taken a few tries but I hopefully have finally identified and resolved the problem today. If I have, you received an email which brought you here. If that is the case, I encourage you to read back through a few past blog messages, especially to my December 25th message which contains a challenge for you while you consider you New Years resolution (if you are the type that makes a resolution.... or heck, if if you aren't). You can see all of the previous messages by going to the archive section in the pane on the left.

The second area that I wanted to touch on was possible confusion about the different websites. I have received a couple questions about the difference between CaringBridge, Striving For Grace and Striving for More. It makes perfect sense to me but it is probably pretty scary to be inside my head, I admit. So, I thought I would lay it all out for everyone so that it is clear. The CaringBridge site was the journal of Colleen's illness. After she died, I did not feel that it was meant for me to continue keeping that alive so, after she died, I put that to rest too. I have a link to it in the Links section on the left if anyone wants to go back and read through parts or all of it to get the history (it is all there... the long story that brought us to this point in our lives.).

Striving for Grace is my personal blog. And right now, I am journaling my life as I work to open a national non profit foundation called "Striving for More" in honor of Colleen and all that we have been through. I am in the process of becoming incorporated, and shortly, www.striving4more.org will be up and running as the website for that non profit association. It may or may not have its on blog (that is yet to be determined).

I hope that clears things up for everyone. Have a wonderful Sunday and I will talk with you all soon.

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Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a blessed day. We have spent a nice couple of days with family. Vince's father (Pop-Pop), step mother (Miss Darlene) and sister (Aunt Val) arrived yesterday evening while I was at church. They were here to enjoy Christmas morning with us which was very nice. This afternoon, we had dinner at my sister Marion's home with her family and my Mom (Grandma).

Today, was a day full of distractions. However, Colleen was never far from my thoughts. Her empty stocking hung from our chimney and her ashes were perched on the highest shelf in the living room where we opened our presents. In the back of my mind, I continue to dwell on the fact that I am upset about the the number of children who are impacted by cancer and I want to do anything I can to help them. Not only by the work that I am doing to start the foundation but in any other way that I can.

According to Candlelighters.org, cancer remains the number one disease killer of America's children, more than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma and AIDS combined. Each school day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer.

I mistakenly thought that leukemia was something that children were commonly cured of. And although modern medicine may have made improvements in the treatment of this type of cancer, I have sadly met too many grieving mothers that have lost their children to leukemia.

So, during this week as you start to think about the approaching New Year, I am throwing out a challenge. What can you do to help children with cancer during 2009? Obviously, I would like you to support www.striving4more.org when I am ready to begin accepting donations during the next couple of months. However, there is other things that can be done in the meantime and some can be done without opening your wallet or writing a check. So what will you do?

Vince and I plan on shaving out heads during the St. Baldrick's event at Napper Tandy's in Raleigh on March 7th. I started a Striving4More team in honor of Colleen. Check it out here. Sign up to shave your head, donate to our team or, if you are local, just come by the pub to support us.

I am going to register with the National Marrow Donor Registry. It is a painless process and it could save a life. Check it out here.

So as I end this day of extravagance and blessings, I am thinking about what I can do for kids with cancer. I pray you will do the same. Until next time. Good Night.

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